You read that right, the littlest D-Lister sister (who also happens to be the tallest D-Lister sister) is looking for a mister. She’s single, we’re not totally sure Dallas men are ready for her flavor of mingle. Too late now, muchachos. Rhymes with nachos. Que a very shoulder-heavy dance routine. Kristin is signing up with the Dallas-based luuuuuv connection website, Match.com because it’s how Katie met her husband and we’re pretty sure this is a flawless plan. Clearly the wise older sister knows how to put together a slammin profile. Insert wise face emoji.
Because this is Kristin’s first soiree into the onlinedating scene, we’ve got to approach this analytically, deliberately, metaphorically,and of course, hyperbolically. No room for errors here. Mr. Right and/or Mr.Right Now could be a couple of DMs away and we don’t want to fuck this up. Summeris right around the corner and what if he has a boat? Actually, maybe going ona boat with a stranger you meet online isn’t a good idea. Remove wise faceemoji.
How is this going to work? What’s the process? Let’s do a quick step-by-step:
Step 1: Obvi, go to Match.com Duh.
Step 2: Set up a 7-day free trial account. Absolutely plan on finding your soul mate in 7 days. Create a solid password just in case that doesn’t happen and you need a lil more time.
Suggested password options:
Step 3: Pick some stunning pics you know will make fellow match.com-ers swoon. So basically any photo will do, because *hi* you’re a beautiful little cheese puff. Plus, it’s 2019 and no guy or gal would every pass up a chance to get to know you for you based on *alleged* sub-par selfie skills. Such tomfoolery.
Step 4: Self-description. Yep. You gotta. Sure, it’s like the camp ice-breaker of internet dating, but it’s fine. Everything’s fine. Plus, Kristin has Katie coaching her through the process and when has Katie ever led Kristin astray? Exactly. Let’s do this.
Step 4(a) – brainstorm some fun Kristin facts:
- She can single-handedly drink three bottles of two buck chuck in a single afternoon
- She has an almost entirely black wardrobe
- She won’t wait in line for anything
- She swears like a sailor
- She has never actually met a sailor
- If it doesn’t come with free shipping she won’t buy it
- She once spent an entire pay check on one pair of shoes
- Her home is more organized than Christian Bale’s in American Psycho
- She’s been trying to bring back the pop-n-lock since 2003
- She like to make uncomfortable eye contact with bartenders when she orders her favorite drink – a filthy martini
Step 4(b) – bump out a bangin Match.com profile:
- Start with a nice greeting:
What up, cheese bags? Nice to meet you here on the online dating scene.
- Then fluff up those fun facts above and lure in your own Magic Mike:
I’d describe myself as a wine connoisseur with an appreciation for Johnny Cash, immediate gratification, and colloquialisms. I’m frugal but also like the finer things in life. Marie Kondo is my spirit animal. My ideal first date would be grabbing some drinks while we play early 2000s-themed sharades.
Ta-da. You’re in. Get ready for the dudes to swarm. It’ll be like shootin fish in a barrel. Maybe… stay tuned for updates!