Who wants to get cut (meaning defined muscles, not stabbed) and have a nice butt??? *Insert double hand raised emoji here.* We do. We do. Duh. After years of walking around gyms in gym clothes and seeing no progress, we realized maybe we needed to switch things up a bit. So weird. So glad we now have Butchered Bodies and Kat in our lives. Keep reading you lazy ass clowns.
Being the aspiring boujee babes we are, we decided we wanted a personal trainer. Seemed like a great idea. We googled away. The only hold back, personal training is actually expensive af. We’re talking $100+ per session. What (and we cannot stress this enough) the actual fuck. Excuse us why we change careers. And learn how to personal train. And become talented enough to personal train. Maybe this isn’t going to happen. Oh, wait, it sure as ef is. Enter: Butchered Bodies.
Our first emotion when we came across the Butchered Bodies website was confusion about the pictures of some super ripped dude holding meat (hey Taylor! aka the ‘butcher’), but upon some more investigation we realized that the website was so comprehensive and motivating that we wanted in. The before and after pictures are clearly of real people (and omg we are real people – when will the coincidences end?) and the results were exactly what we wanted for ourselves (i.e. buns, hun). Best part: Butchered Bodies offers several different packages, making it affordable for people who want to invest in their fitness, but who also want to invest in other things like food an shelter.
Another best part (just roll with it): the Butchered Bodies program is so much more than just personal training. It comes slammin extras like nutritional guidance, body compensation measurement, pre-prepared meals, and garment tailoring (so random, but so cool when your clothes start fitting differently). After reading about all this on their website, we decided to see if it was worth it. *Spoiler alert* it was.
Within 24 hours of shooting out an email via the website, the owner of Butchered Bodies, Taylor Metzger, called us personally to ask us about our body types and fitness goals. Based on that phone call he determined which trainer would suit us best and he set up a time for us to come in for the first *free* session. We were paired with Kat Iliff and omg y’all, this girl is ripped and we’re genuinely not sure we’ve ever stared at another woman’s bum so much before. *Insert laughing face emoji to make this totally okay.*
On day one, we rolled on in to Diesel Fitness (aka the least-instagramable gym in America – gives it more street cred?) and met with Taylor and Kat for a quick run down on Butchered Bodies’ results-focused training style. Kat asked us what our goals were for working out. We probably should have said peace in the Middle East since Kat clearly knows how to deliver, but instead we focused on ourselves (so unusual, we know) and told her we wanted butts you can bounce a dime off of. Is this the origin of the term “dime piece”? We’re gonna say yes – tell all your friends.
After that first day, we were pretty sure Kat’s goal was to murder us. Our legs burned for probably an entire week. Being gluttons for just about everything (nachos, stretchy pants, killer workouts, etc.) we wanted more. With Kat, you get exactly that. As requested, Kat took our sad, flat, untoned, and uninspiring derrieres and turned them into apple bottoms poets will write sonnets about for centuries to come. Legit, look at our butts. They are nice. Insert fire emoji.
Of note, Butchered Bodies has a 3 month minimum contract requirement. The reason for this is so you cannot quit before you see results. This is crucial when you really really really would rather not get off the couch to go to the gym (i.e. all the time). After the 3 months were up, our endorphins were up, our bums were poppin, and it was a no-brainer to keep going to Butched Bodies. In fact we increased how often we went. We cannot personally attest to any of the other personal trainers at Butchered Bodies, but if Kat is any indication, they have a slammin team. You’re gonna want to sign up.
Bonus note: Kat is also stellar at tailoring your workout around rehabilitation. After the d-list sister hip scope and broken knee incidents of 2018, followed by one and three months on crutches, respectively, working out was not what it used to be. Kat adjusts the workouts as needed and oh heyyyy did you see the photo of our butts above??! Insert three fire emojis.
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