Yep. No more teases. Girl has been unleashed and, men of Dallas, you’re welcome. Or we’re sorry. One of the two. Moving on. After scrolling through profile after profile of truly dazzling options – let’s be honest, we’re a very pretty city – we (yes, we. Katie scrolls through Kristin’s Match.com with Kristin – it’s a fun group activity) stumbled across a gentleman 100% worthy of Kristin’s first meet up with an on-line date. We knew at first glance. No need for evaluation of his DMs or profile (it was too long – didn’t read). Not really concerned about his height or background information. None of that matters when you’ve got the golden ticket and our friends, this guy is basically the Veruca Salt of Match.com. What exactly is his golden ticket? Don’t pretend you haven’t guessed already. Yeah, you know. It’s a picture of him chilling casually with Britney Freaking Spears. The princess of pop. The reason for the 2000s. The defining artist and legend of our generation. The whimsical goddess who brought us Blackout in 2007. We will never stop swooning. If there is ever a reason to go on a date with someone, a casual photo with our queen is it. So now we just need him to ask Kristin out on a date – easy.
Not being one to slide into DMs first, the strategy was to “look” at his profile several times. Match.com lets people see who’s been looking at their profile. It’s like the modern glance across the bar. Keep looking at his profile and then he’s gonna look at yours. It’s a beautiful internet dance and this is just the opening sequence. We knew that once he looked at Kristin’s profile, he’d be hooked and it was only a matter of time before a date would be requested. As many of you recall, Kristin’s Match.com profile is fucking flawless.
Sure enough, Mr. Britney Spears Photo came sliding into the DMs within hours of the look-at-his-profile-several-times strategy being deployed. Importantly, while actually looking at his profile we noticed he was exactly 6 feet tall. This is important because Kristin is quite tall and regularly pairs heels with her velour jumpsuits. So far Mr. Britney Spears Photo just keeps getting better. His DM game also did not disappoint. Instead of sending one of our top 5 favorite opening DMs, he went with “you’re a stunner aren’t you?” Yeah, a rhetorical fucking question. Brilliant. Loved it. Expect blog posts about the wedding next week.
After that the conversation/banter was decent. No complaints. He talks about himself a lot, but like, we have an entire blog dedicated to talking about ourselves so that’s probably okay. Turns out he is some sort of music producer/DJ/Entrepreneur. Sounds vague, but whatever. He has a photo with Britney Spears.
From there, phone numbers were exchanged. Texting is a bit easier than Match.com messaging. Confusingly, however, it was all quiet on the western front for the first day after exchanging numbers. We thought of several reasons for why he wasn’t texting her, the vast majority of which involved him getting his skin worn by someone he admitted to recognizing at Bottled Blonde. Surprisingly we were completely wrong and he was still alive. He did not text her though. Get this plot twist. Dude CALLED her. Like a for-real over the phone “hello, I’m Mr. Britney Spears Photo” telephone call. This is 2019, no one is prepared for that kind of interaction. We’re still processing the fact that it occurred.
We are not, however, processing why it occurred. This golden-ticket carrying, Britney Spears photo yielding, rhetorical question asking, phone-calling, Rico Suave has a British freaking accent. Yeah, dude is from Megan Markle’s new stomping grounds and, hi, if you’ve followed this blog for any period of time whatsoever you know how much we love a good (or bad or any) accent. Mr. Britney Spears Photo is pole vaulting over the expectations bar.
Needless to say, they set up a date and you’d best believe we will let you know how it goes. In the interim, we’ll be deciding what Kristin wears to date 1. Suggestions welcome. Especially if the suggestion is that she wear black, because duh.