First dates are objectively spectacular.  You can’t mess them up* because there is nothing to mess up.  You get glammed up, take a shot or two of vodka, hop in an Uber, and then wonder which of your personalities is rollin’ in hot to meet someone you’ve only spoken to a few times, at most.  Legit, we live for moments like these.  Even if it’s now only vicariously through Kristin.  Katie, alas, has had her last first date ever, but it was with her smokin’ hot hubs (who she met on, so it’s kinda a win/win.  Crushed that first date, you’re welcome. 

*continue reading for the exception to this rule.

So how does one prepare for a first date? What should you do/say on a first date? Other than the condensed list above, we have a few recommendations:

First, first dates should always be on a weekday.  Do not, we repeat, do not, hand over a precious Friday or Saturday night to a first date.  Weekends are for going out with your pals to discuss the intricacies of your first dates.  This is science, don’t question it. 

Second, dress hot, but not too hot.  Brand new outfit you slay in?  Save that magic for a night you know is gonna make its way to Instagram.  Again, this is science. 

Third, no coffee dates.  Coffee dates suck.  There’s no way around it.  Hi, you’re trying to date one another, not go over your academic and employment histories to see if it’s a potential career match. 

Fourth, definitely steer the conversation to religion and politics.  Make lots of divisive statements and just see what happens.  Please let us know how this goes.  But really, probably make sure y’all are at least on the same shelf in the library?  Same page is a bit ambitious for 2019.

Fifth, bring photos of your dog.  Literally everyone wants to see dog pictures all the time. Having them ready to go will save time, leaving more time for showing off more dog photos.  If you don’t have a dog, bring photos of someone else’s dog.  We love dogs.

Sixth, disclose whether you have children, are married, are pregnant, own an alpaca, live with your parents, don’t watch Game of Thrones, or don’t believe in any JFK conspiracy theory. In that order.

Seventh, do not order fajitas.

These are all tried and true tips.  10/10 think you should follow. Indeed, there was a time when we’d argue these are the only for-sure tips we’d need to share.  Then, of course, came Mr. Britney Spears Photo.  

Per our typical routine, we spent a night before drinking some (see i.e. 1-2 bottles of) wine, picking out hot but not-too-hot outfits, and discussing why coffee and fajitas are no-goes.  Kristin also had an arsenal of fire first date convo starters.  It was impossible for this date to go awry.  Then of course came the one variable we couldn’t control, which was completely out of control: Mr. Britney Spears Photo.

Accordingly, we’d like to extend an extra-big thank you to Mr. Britney Spears Photo for giving us this extra-big list of additional fun first date tips:

One, don’t lie about your height.  If you’re 5’9 and say you’re 6’0 in your profile, odds are you’re not going to be able to keep that little secret under wraps for long.  The man-heel is not as discrete as the sales woman may have led you to believe.  

Two, don’t lie about your age.  If you’re 45 and your friends all lie to you and say you look 32, your friends are lying to you and you do not look 32. You look 45 and your date will notice you look 45.

Three, don’t airbrush your initials across the hood of your Maserati.  Nothing about this is cool.  Your date will laugh at you. Your date will take a photo and send it to her sister immediately.  Your date will make fun of you until the end of time.

Four, do not bring your friend on the date.  Do not bring your friend on the date. Please, for the love of inflatable unicorn lawn sprinklers, do not bring your friend on the date.

Five, do not demand your date order tequila on the rocks “because tequila is the lowest carb spirit.”  Sure, we love a reason to cut a carb or two and we love fun little facts but, more importantly, we love ordering our own damn drinks. And we love carbs.  

Five, do not show your date pictures of the billboard you bought for yourself to promote yourself.  Extra don’t do this if the billboard is just a picture of you shirtless with your Instagram handle and you can’t come up with an even remotely reasonable explanation for having made this purchase because *fun fact* you don’t actually do anything.  

Six, do not spend 30 minutes discussing how you got a massive amount of money from divorcing your independently wealthy ex-wife.  We don’t really know what to do with this one other than suggest therapy over

Seven, do hang-tight while your date calls her sister to beg that she intervene on a date that has gone impressively down-hill impressively fast.  When said sister shows up, just hand over your phone to show off your billboard photo, but also so she can covertly edit your profile to reflect your correct height, age, and odd choice in car decals.  What a gift.  You’re welcome.

Needless to say, Mr. Britney Spears Photo was a bust.  The search continues!  Thank goodness the search can be down right dazzling.  ‘Til next time, jack wagons.