Hold on tight, this week we’ve got a horror story of a non-Match date. That’s right. No Match. No vetting process. Nothing but regrets.
It all began on a stunning Saturday when the weather was so perfect we were 100% obligated to march our talents all around Dallas for a full day of patio drinking. We sat on bars, we sank a few shots, we lived our best lives. As the sun went down we realized that we hadn’t eaten all day and needed some solid bites – and wine. Fun fact: at night we drink wine because it’s classy. Where do we love to get wine? Leela’s in Lowest Greenville, duh. And this is where the catastrophe began. We just didn’t know it yet.
There we were, minding our own business, watching the Great British Baking Show, and drinking our Texas Seventy-Fives, when two men approached us asking if it was okay for them to buy us a bottle of wine. Fun fact: we don’t turn down free wine. Right away, drunk Katie, the charmer, said she was married but Kristin was single, so any wooing efforts should be directed at Kristin. The younger of the dudes asked for Kristin’s number and, with a push from drunk Katie, drunk Kristin handed it over on the back of a receipt. Oops.
*Even better* Katie decided to make a list of things Kristin likes (or that she thinks Kristin should like) on said receipt. This list included, but was not limited to: laser tag (twice), go carts, wine, Gucci slides, dirty martinis, warm socks, Cartier love bracelets, dogs, patios, hair appointments). Pro-tip: do not let this happen. Ever.
What happened next? Gucci Slides asked Kristin on a date. *No Gucci slides were purchased in relation to this story, we are just as disappointed about this as you.* A date was had. He ordered a dirty martini – weird, but whatever. All around it was very meh. Not a big deal. We’ve all been there. You know, the dates that are fine and the other person is pleasant enough but you have zero desire to ever see him/her again because there is no connection/physical attraction/he’s just not your type. Sure, you can muscle through one dinner/drink night, but you also need it to end because *hi* your dog misses you and you miss your dog. It’s not the end of the world, but it’s a good reminder that maybe you should only agree to get drinks and *maybe* dinner if things seem worth it after a round of drinks. Either, way you know it’ll end and you can both go your separate ways. End the date with a meh hug and ta-da, y’all never have to see one another again. Dull dates happen, you move on. Or at least, you should.
Try to keep your head up, we’ve waded into the deep end this time. Less than an hour after the date Gucci Slides, apparently picking up on zero of Krisitn’s ‘not interested – checking Instagram a lot’ vibes, sent a several-paragraph long text listing her qualities he found admirable. Crushed the interview? Sweet, but eeeehh that’s a hard one to respond to. He didn’t ask any questions, it was late, the best labor saving device of today is tomorrow. The plan was to have Katie help craft a nice but *no thanks* text the next day.
The next day, Katie was busy. Kristin was busy. Mr. Gucci Slides was on a mission. He blew up Kristin’s phone several more times and asked her out for second date. Rule number one when turning down a date, never ghost someone – it’s rude. Kristin had to respond. We went with, “thank you, blah blah blah I don’t want to waste your time, lets be friends.” No one ever wants to be friends. It’s nice, but effective. You’d think.
Are y’all missing the Match vetting process yet? We are. Mr. Gucci Slides, as luck would have it, is a pure unabashed wack-a-mole. That’s right, right when you think he’s finally done contacting you or gets the picture *pop* there he is again. Like an arcade game in your inbox. Get your plush mallet out, this is gonna take some time.
After her first *let’s be friends* text from Krisin, he initially responded – in several paragraphs – that he was fine with that. The next day, we can’t make this shit up, he texts again – also in several paragraphs – saying he still wants a second date and “can do better” next time. What? Just, what? But okay, round two. Kristin sent *another* text saying she’s not interested, sorry. Maybe he just needed her to be more direct? Nope. Mr. Gucci Slides was quite convinced Kristin just didn’t fully appreciate all he has to offer.
The following day, you guessed it, another several paragraph long text telling Kristin he still wants to take her out (shocking) and that she needs to understand that he is a catch. No, no you’re not. *Again* in very rare form – neither of us is even remotely this patient – Kristin tells him *very nicely* she just is not interested. I hope you’re all sitting down as we deliver this shocker- his response was to *again* ask her out and *again* tell her he is a catch.
This is when it got really good though. Apparently thinking Kristin’s intuition wasn’t sufficient, he hands over his full name implying she needs to Google him. Don’t worry, Mr. Gucci Slides, we did. And what did we learn? He comes from a very wealthy family and was given a very lovely job by his very wealthy daddy. How sweet. So Kristin made a mistake and should now totally be into Mr. Gucci Slides because he has money. This is totally how the world works and now Kristin and Mr. Gucci Slides are happily dating and the wedding is next week. Only, no.
Fun fact: if you think your money is what makes you a *catch* you should probably just show up to date one with a Cartier love bracelet. Or Gucci Slides. There was only one way to end this.
In sum, if you want to brag about how much money you make then fine, Kristin will take one Cartier Love bracelet, gold, small. Thx.