Yep. This Match Monday it’s all about you. And still us. It’s always a little about us. Over the last several weeks so many of you have reached out telling us how much you love our stories, but also to ask, “does Match work?” And like, duh. Obviously it does. We’ve all seen the commercials of the smiling couples holding hands and loving life. Fun fact: those are real couples. Katie is one of those couples. Not in the commercial, but she and her husband totally hold hands and totally love life. But that’s not why we’re here. We’re here to talk about all the magic that happens before you hold hands and before you love life with a slammin’ significant other. Yep. We’re talking about scrollin’ through Match profiles. Arguably the greatest past-time of 2019. Definitely the greatest past-time of Match Monday.
So how do you hop in on this Match Monday profile-scrolling party? We got you. Step one: click here for your free seven day trial of Match. Obviously they love us as much as we love them, so we get to hook you up with this lil link freebie. You’re welcome. After that, set up your own profile. Some pro-tips on how to make a slammin profile have been caringly put together for you here. And also here. The number one pro-tip, however, is don’t lie about anything, particularly not your height. Should you parlay your Match profile scrollin’ into a date, said date will eventually notice all your lies. Said date will immediately notice your height.
Alright, you’ve got your profile [check], you’ve double checked your height [check], you’re ready to see what the world of Match has to offer [check, check]. Prepare to be dazzled. Ladies, your inbox is gonna be poppin right off the bat. Don’t let that limit your scrollin’ ways. Fellas, we don’t really know what your inbox is going to look like, but Katie’s husband claims his was poppin too. Let’s all get scrollin’; let’s find some slammin profiles/tell you about some of our *faves* we’ve seen so far.
*First things first, set the age, education, height, smoking and boozing preferences you’re jonesn’ for. No need to scroll through folks who don’t jive with your essentials.
Here are some of our favorite profiles/types of profiles that made it through Kristin’s filters, but may have some fine-tuning to do before they fully catch the eye of the single sister.
- Not my baby.
This guy may somehow actually have a better Match profile than the one we made for Kristin; it is truly that amazing, primarily due to its simplicity. Specifically, this gentleman posted several pictures of himself with a baby. Obvious impression: “Wow, he likes being a dad. How sweet.” Nope. Keep scrolling down and his profile, whols short, simple, and to-the-point, simply says, “not my baby.” Can’t argue with that hustle.
- Looking for my wife.
Here’s a gentleman with a somewhat unique and undeniably confusing game. He’s got a strong affection for flat-brimmed hats and now he’s looking to have a strong affection for someone he meets on Match. His profile is the right length, just a few sentences, and we think there was an attempt to rhyme, which we greatly appreciate. However, it was his final sentence that catapulted him to our fave profile list: “I’m looking for a real woman who wants to be my wife someday.” We appreciate the surface level appearance of honestly, but similarly question the authenticity. Like, when is ‘someday’? Who are these mannequins he’s concerned with avoiding? Would he in fact we willing to participate in a d-list knock-off version of married at first sight? Could he emotionally handle his new wife’s sister rolling in on weekends to raid their pantry for slammin snacks? What are his thoughts on the JFK assassination? Would he be willing to not rotate holidays because his new wife’s family is objectively better at festivities? Is he fine never eating scrambled eggs every again because they are do undeniably disgusting? So many questions, so many flat brimmed hats, we had to move on. Good bye, sweet somebody’s future husband. Good bye. We love your profile as much as you will love your non-artificial wife.
- Want someone to spoil.
This was actually a group of profiles, dare we say a trend. A small grouping of *gentlemen,* we use that term loosely, towards the top of Kristin’s potential-partner range appear to think they can purchase a date on Match. You can’t, sirs. You just cant. This type of dude tends to have pictures next to expensive cars, homes, or on vacation. That’s cool, yo; but if you’re looking for this type of arrangement, you’re on the wrong app. Match is for kick-ass singles looking to meet one another so they can have a consistent roof-top/patio date. Let’s get more creative with the profiles. For example, tell us whether you own 12+ salmon colored polos. This is the type of information we need. Not whether you’re so boring you want to buy affection. We believe in the power of you.
- Not that into online dating.
Again, this is a such a weird trend that we’ve seen on countless profiles and we die every time. WHY are you online dating if you’re so opposed to it? WHY do you think it’s cool to act like you’re too cool for online dating when you’re literally trying to find someone who is online dating? Get. It. Together. You’re on Match. You love Match. Let it love you too.
- Too long, didn’t read.
Seriously. You’re not George R.R. Martin.
- Peter Picky
This probably should have been #1. This profile is, no-joke, just a list of 10 things he does NOT want in a woman. Okay, Rico Suave, you sound lovely. We don’t know who hurt you, but we hope you’re okay. The list:
- I do NOT want another girl who just wants money
- I do NOT want a pen pal
- I do NOT want a girl with fake hair
- I do NOT want a girl without a job
- I do NOT want someone who drinks a gross amount of wine
- I do NOT want another boring “basic” girl
- I do NOT want a girl who won’t pay for dinner once in a while
- I do NOT want a girl who has to wear make up all the time
- I do NOT want a girl who doesn’t eat or exercise
- I do NOT want a girl won’t cook
Moral of the story: this man was hurt. This man needs a bit more time before he dives back into the dating pool.
- Mr. Mueller Report.
We already used the name ‘Peter’ above; otherwise this would have been Political Peter. Literally an entire profile full of blatant and, wait, it was all entirely blatant, political commentary. We appreciate the passion (kinda?) but, dude, is an overwhelming infatuation with politics really the best way to strike up an online conversation? Unless you want to have a 3-6 hour conversation about JFK conspiracy theories, we’re not sure how this is gonna woo the ladies. But do you, boo. Also, we genuinely hope this dude happens to read out blog and will send us weekly updates. We want to splatter chart this out.
Gotta love the efficiency here. Two dudes, one profile. *We will be making no ‘cup’ related jokes here because holy heck it’s been 10 years are we’re still traumatized by that video.* Legit, two dudes went in and split the cost of a Match profile. Genius, but also not so much. Particularly when you can get your free 7 day trail via us, right here. Also, who wants to message/chat someone up for a date when you’d have NO IDEA which one is responding?! As two girls who split an Instagram account, we realize the correct answer is higher than you may think, but still. If you’ve come across these dudes, do a PSA and tell them to get their own accounts.
On that note and in closing, if you are one of the dudes who keeps blowing us our Instagram inbox, accept this PSA and get a Match account. Kristin is not interested and Katie either ask you for medical advice or just delete your message. Go meet your fella or dame on Match. You got this!